That's me. An excellent likeness. Jesse says his older brother put those things on me sticking out of my head and that there is a hole for a chipmunk by my feet. And when I cut his hair yeaterday he threw himself on the floor when he saw himself in the mirror crying ,"I'm not awsome and strong anymore." Sure enough same older brother sticking things into my head had told him his hair made him strong. After some assuring him this was not true I went back to folding laundry downstairs and along he comes and annouces, "You are wight Mom. I am still awesome." Ah, self esteeem.

Meanwhile Grandma is not feeling so great. The gluing of the other vertebrae just didn't do anything. Not better, not worse. I think. It is hard to sort it out since the one thing my mom is not good at is tracking her own pain. She lies to me, she lies to herself. She just can't admit it hurts until it is way past hurt or she is just generally lousy feeling. Unfortunately there has been a lot of that lately. I asked one evening how she was and she said (forlornly), "Fine, I'm just hoping I'll be able to find clean underwear tomorrow." I told her hope was a good thing. Much better than actually letting me know she had run out of clean underwear. I was willing to hope too. She doesn't want to be a bother. She also doesn't want to get out of bed much or go without coffee.

The college girl is back but not without a little drama first (think speeding when your driver's license has expired which you put off telling anyone about because who has time to go to the DMV and they didn't send a notice). Still, and even if it weren't for the babysitting, I miss her alot. Jesse took me ona "flashlight" adventure and we explored the basement and saw "Carowin's bed" and he said he would cry he missed her so (he didn't but it is the thought that counts). And Caleb has started classes -so I have started stressing every Tuesday and Thursday over his getting the bus and getting home and all that. His stammer seem especially bad right now (it has always fluctuated) so when he does call I hold my breath until he gets out that he wanted to know if he could buy lunch... or something that is not really a reason to stop breathing at all.

And then there is my other life not doing laundry and fetching drinks and worrying about children big and small. I spent an hour yesterday trying to print out and save a class roster because Blackboard (tm I'm sure) is the most horrendous piece of software ever devised (excepting the Defense Travel System of course). And then I spent 2 hours in the evening covering a chalk board with numbers and arrows only some of which I had to erase or apologise for. If they only knew! I'm just hoping I find clean underwear tomorrow.

A New Year (old dead cat)

Nothing changes around here but the cats. This one is gone (still) but the metallic confetti covers my house again. This must be about the 15th New Year to be ushered in by letting children glitter my house. It doesn't seem crazy to me. We get up some (children and confetti come to think of it) to reuse the next year, and some just goes in the vacuum bag (confetti only) and some, the lightest pieces, floats behind the furniture and into the vents to reappear some dull day in the future and remind me that the year began with hooting and shouting and fizzy drinks and children being very silly. True this year only one of mine was being VERY silly -joined by two neighbor kids and abetted by two much calmer older siblings.

My mom stayed in her bed and watched a clock that was 10 minutes fast so she thought she was being ignored for the ringing in -but she was not and 2 very thoughtful young people (only one of whom I take credit for) toasted it with her. True we did leave her behind for the illegal fireworks but only because she would have slowed us down if the police came by. (For the record I only watched them and had nothing to do with their importation or use -other than thanking the criminals for sharing of course).

So on this the first business day of the New Year I called the doctor's office to check on the MRI results from last week. Another cracked vertebrae and another appointment to cement it back -after another appointment for no medical value except to dot the i's on the Medicare paperwork. I wanted to curl up and scream just because of the scheduling (my first lecture ofr the semester on the eveing of the procedure naturally). And I can't say my mom took this well. It is hard seeing her be in pain and all that but it is also hard realizing that some of her toughness over the years has been that she really has had very few physical ailments to deal with. She actually said to me this evening when her walker got pushed aside that we just didn't realize what it was to a handicapped person and that was why we didn't push it back immediately. She said this sitting across from my Caleb. I tried to tell her we were just tired and forgot and she insisted it was a lack of understanding for handicaps. Now mostly I think my mother is practically perfect in everyway but this was one of those moments when I did not. How she could think after almost 25 years we don't get it I'm not sure. Look, I know she is way better about all this aging than I will be (except I swear by whatever I'm allowed to swear by, in keeping my teeth), but evn she can be difficult at times.

My other half and I are going to make a list of the things we will NOT do when we are old, or in-laws (I mean the parental kind, it's too late for the sibling ones) or grandparents. We are going to make this list and put it somewhere safe and well labeled so we will see it when the time comes and REMEMBER.

Tomorrow Caleb starts classes. His sister, who has sometimes* been known to get lost, is driving him in. He can't read the map on the college website and Jesse is supposed to return to preschool from the Holiday break but has announced his "real friends" aren't there and only "4 year olds" are and he is "done" with preschool. And I am trying to finish writing a synopsis of some research articles, grade a comp and prepare those blasted Powerpoint slides so the students won't complain about notetaking this semester. And I am trying to lose weight the hard way -that is without giving up any actual food or exercising. Just through sheer will power and will power alone. I will let you know how it goes. Carolyn made a chocolate cake -I am just being supportive.

*delicately worded in case she reads this