the rainy season

I am no longer the ring master of my own 3 ring circus. We have at the most 1 and a half. I am not who I was because no one else is. Time swept away the elderly and the toddler. And the eldest appears to be on sabbatical from medical crises. The other offspring are near and far all at once. I watch the 5 leafed akebia take over the garden. It grows so fast. It never grew like that on the pergola in the woods. I thought it was a sedate plant so I took a few rootlings from the woods and put them in the garden. On purpose. It twists and twines and spirals up anything and everything and then itself when all else fails. It is doing battle with the rose-that-took-over-the-world (new dawn planted on a septic field). I quiver in the evening, holding on to my tiny pruners and simply whisper 5 leafed akebia over again. Hoping something will be clear to me now. My mother didn't know this plant - at least not personally. I introduced it to myself. It doesn't whisper back her name. It doesn't mourn this second spring without her.  I wanted to say first. It all feels like the first because the actual firsts were simply rehearsals for life without her.

What doesn't kill you...

If only! My perspective on this (full disclosure: I never was sure about it) has been evolving , or maybe fruiting as of late. Heavily influenced by the 96 year old and the 29 year old and even the 9 year old... also probably Mr 27 and Miss 25 and, definitely, my new desire for grandchildren. Or planning a 54th birthday in Disney World. Is this where age was supposed to get me? Or them?
 If suffering was supposed to make us stronger where was my strength, even supposing it is the spiritual inner strength for the spiritual inner suffering? I saw a response to a youngish mother's blog about being weary in dealing with elementary age and there was a comment encouraging her that after this she would be a strong (and possibly shiny, no that must have been shining) woman in the next "season". I had that expectation once. It was all an ever upward spiritual journey and my wisdom and peace would be be pretty much blinding by the end. Even some years ago I expressed doubt (some might say cynicism) that one actually could see evidence of all this renewal and spiritual growth in actual people who were, you know, older and therefore should be at least glowing by now.
Greek: e de hupomone dokimen, e de dokime elpida; 
Amplified: And endurance (fortitude) develops maturity of character (approved faith and tried integrity). And character [of this sort] produces [the habit of] joyful and confident hope of eternal salvation. (Amplified Bible - Lockman)
Barclay: and fortitude produces character; and character produces hope (Westminster Press)
Newell: and endurance a sense of approvedness by God; and the sense of approvedness works out a state 'of hope-
Phillips:  Taken in the right spirit these very things will give us patient endurance; this in turn will develop a mature (Phillips: Touchstone)
NLT: And endurance develops strength of character in us, and character strengthens our confident expectation of salvation.  (NLT - Tyndale House)

Strong's:

dokimé: (the process or result of) trial, proving, approval

Original Word: δοκιμή, ῆς, ἡ
Part of Speech: Noun, Feminine
Transliteration: dokimé
Phonetic Spelling: (dok-ee-may')
Short Definition: a trial, proof; tried, approved character
Definition: a trial, proof; tried, approved character.

Cognate: 1382 dokimḗ (a feminine noun derived from 1384 /dókimos) – proof of genuineness ("approval, through testing"), a brand of what is "tested and true." See 1381 (dokimazō).

Englishman's Concordance

Strong's Greek 1382
8 Occurrences

δοκιμασίᾳ — 1 Occ.
δοκιμὴ — 2 Occ.
δοκιμήν — 4 Occ.
δοκιμῆς — 1 Occ.

Romans 5:4 N-AFS
GRK: δὲ ὑπομονὴ δοκιμήν ἡ δὲ
NAS: and perseverance, proven character; and proven character,
KJV: patience, experience; and
INT: and endurance character and`
2 Corinthians 2:9 N-AFS
GRK: γνῶ τὴν δοκιμὴν ὑμῶν εἰ
NAS: that I might put you to the test, whether
KJV: I might know the proof of you,
INT: I might know the proof of you if

2 Corinthians 13:3 N-AFS
GRK: ἐπεὶ δοκιμὴν ζητεῖτε τοῦ
NAS: you are seeking for proof of the Christ
KJV: ye seek a proof of Christ
INT: Since a proof you seek
Philippians 2:22 N-AFS
GRK: τὴν δὲ δοκιμὴν αὐτοῦ γινώσκετε
NAS: But you know of his proven worth, that he served
KJV: But ye know the proof of him, that,
INT: but [the] proof of him you know


δοκιμή, δοκιμῆς, ἡ (dokimos];);
1. in an active sense, a proving, trial: θλίψεως, through affliction, 2 Corinthians 8:2.
2. approvedness, tried character: Romans 5:4; 2 Corinthians 2:9; Philippians 2:22; τῆς διακονίας, exhibited in the contribution, 2 Corinthians 9:13.
3. "a proof (objectively], a specimen of (Dioscorides (

Strong's Exhaustive Concordance

experience, proof, trial. From the same as dokimos; test (abstractly or concretely); by implication, trustiness -- experience(-riment), proof, trial

Riding on that self pity train,

Riding on that self pity train
It's the same old train that carried me here
And Lord, it's gonna carry me back home

... kinda like the New River train for the bluegrass crowd...but not.

I will  have to edit the About Me section. No more walkers. No more elderly until I get there myself. Grandma care continued to expand. Then she went to be with my sister for her rotation. Only we knew she wasn't likely to be back. And she isn't. Almost 2 weeks gone now. So now I need to journal this whole grief thing which somehow has slain me as armored as I thought I was. One more day at a time. I may need these.
.

Blowing Bubbles

When I was young, a long long time ago, everyone thought I'd be a writer. My teachers did, my family did, I'm pretty sure my friends did. Certainly I did. I'm not saying the idea that I'd be a good writer was universal, just the writerly expectation was. I must have kept exuding this whole English major vibe for while because once an "educational expert" working for the 2 most pompous neurologists we ever saw (and that is a very competitive category) told me she was sure I could teach my son all about "Shakespeare and books" but we should let the "professionals" take care of the math.
 Guess who taught him math? OK, his father did, but that was only because of a patience issue I had...
As for wiring my novel, I had this idea that I would save up my words for when I was older and had more life experience. (You see I always wanted evidence.)  At that point they would pour forth like diamonds etc etc. So now I have the "life experience" (can I quote myself?), only the diamonds are missing. Everything I thought I knew seemed to float away. And far from diamonds, words that I was sure would cut through anything, I have bubbles that drift, and burst and shine in the sun and blow away in the wind. The stories I wanted to tell when I was younger no longer interest me very much. Mostly I don't believe them.
 We found a letter the other day dated 1916 written by my mother's mother. That was 2 years before Grandma's birth and 3 years before her mother's death from the last of the Spanish influenza epidemic. It was a letter written to Grandma's grandmother. And it had my mother's turns of phrase in it. In fact the kinds of phrases I would have used, my mother would have used... "I had but just found him again..." she says of her fiance (Grandma's father, you are keeping this straight?). Is there a gene for that?
   My mother's family also expected her to be a writer. She said it was because her father pushed her she didn't do it. She never pushed me. That's why I didn't. Only I don't think that's true anymore than I believe her excuse. I believe it's genetic.
Now Grandma is at the house her father built in 1938. And now it doesn't seem to me 1938 was that long after her mother died. What's 19 years? I can see why her step-mother still didn't quite fit in. My (underemployed) daughter is with Grandma. Everyone has always known math is that girl's strong point. I wonder if she'll find the diamonds?

Screens

..can't live with 'em, can't live etc etc. Or more accurately I can't sleep with them (electronic) or see through them clearly (any).
 Tomorrow Grandma should be back. My offspring are mostly unemployed and at least 2 people are very possibly ignoring my Facebook friend request...while I am only ignoring one. I find I use one sort of screen for what I say  blogging and another on Facebook. Not so much a different size mesh as a different sort all together. Sort, get it?

And universities are less and less interested in adjuncts, at least the universities that pay well are less interested, at least mine. (Note the irony that I think of them as "mine" but they don't really think of me as "theirs" at all).
Also glue guns are a fast but inferior method for putting on all those badges you have to transfer to the Webelo uniform.
And my true age still baffles me. And even reading glasses don't help to see out the window. You can remove the screen of course but the bugs are pretty bad. (Oh, that was terrible... bugs!).
Metaphors are really only slightly removed from puns if you think about it.

Happiness is the truth

... is probably the dumbest line in a song I've ever found myself singing any way.

 So instead of learning about responsibility and the harsh realities of the real world my daughter got a job interview within 24 hours of irresponsibly ending her job and it is exactly what she (thinks) she wants to be doing. Teaching math to high-schoolers... you forgive me for the snarky "think" now don't you? And she has a half way decent chance of getting it since apparently they are desperate (referring to their willingness to hire someone with no class room experience not my child per se).

Meanwhile I was in full fretting mode so I forgot to check on the seizure med status after the Hey-mom-I'm-having -a-seizure-at 2AM guy called in the refill only to find it was time for a yearly renewal and the neurologist's office hadn't yet responded according to the hated mail order pharmacy (Express Scripts -I may hide my childrens' names but these guys I want you to know) who told me erroneously they no longer do expedited shipping but it arrived 6 hours prior to none left  and before having to call the neurologists (them I like) again.  Take a breath here.

 Numbers wise: Grandma is back in 6 days and counting and I've watched the Taylor Swift video "Shake it Off" 4 times in the last 3 days, which is a little weird.  And "Anaconda" 1 time, which I deeply deeply regret. Don't do it.  Being culturally informed is not worth it.

 So today I worked on clearing and organizing the basement and figuring out the secret to a happy marriage. I got the latter. Being happy -of course both of you have to be happy at the same time at least occasionally.
Still that's pretty much it as far as the secret goes. This is easy with a sailboat. And at least some money. And nothing to make you unhappy.

 A good marriage is another thing entirely.