Far far away

 It wasn't that long ago though. But I have noticed the last few years that every time I run away when I get back I can't quite remember what it was like anywhere else. This is why I have 5,000 pictures of Kauia on my computer -and that's after editing out the un-necessary ones.
My sweet sweet husband told me the other day that I am not good with the elderly or the handicapped.  It's true. I seem nice on the outside. I look very perky at the hospital and doctor's offices. I cheerfully give shots, and pack wounds and smile and nod when the surgeon explains how easy it will be to just gently push my mom's ... whatever you call the lump escaping through the hernia - back where it belongs. I stay at the table and smile and nod. But then I am afraid it must show that I really need to get to the other room to do some meaningful work -which turns out to be another round of spider solitaire.
 And lately I have made the discovery that while emotional outbursts are exhausting it is almost more exhausting to constantly push down the emotional outbursts and not run screaming out of the room saying , "No, no, no more." The people (and by this I mostly mean my mom) who have told me all my life how much easier it would be to stay calm aren't people who actually have to STAY calm -they simply are calm. One of my mother's biggest complaints (after the coffee being too cold and the water too warm) is that after years of calmness she find herself ready to cry often -and I say, "Welcome to my world."  It turns out that there is a price to pay for all this self control, all the saying, "yes, yes, the more the merrier." I'm not saying it isn't worth it. I'm just saying it's not as cheap as I thought. And every now and then it just seems to burst out anyway...

Crashing

I am trying to blog as a way to let off steam and then I realized the kettle has burned dry. So maybe I am like the double minded man crashing helpless on the shore only to roll back into the endless sea of despair and regret. Other than this being an excellent description of motherhood it only barely fits in with my Kauai rainbow picture. But I will make it work.

Nobody getting much work done here between taking one for ears to be cleaned and one for bloodwork -always a hunt for her tiny little veins. Neither patient was the kitten by the by.

Fairly well

 .. but not fair THEE well.
  Today's topic is fairness. Or  How fairness almost ruined my life.

Once upon a time a boy was born too soon, too small, too weak, too blue. Then time went by too fast. Trying to find a pre-school meant running the gauntlet of administrators who worried if it would be "fair to the teachers,"  "fair to the other students," and probably, most of all, fair to the liability lawyers (they are so busy!). Time kept going by far too fast and many more things happened. It became more and more difficult to calculate the fairness factor. Grandma came and didn't feel it was "fair" to ask the young man to help her. It was hard to decide who had the unfair part. The mother (daughter) became confused and tired. Help came in packets of what was "fair". The statistician part of the narrator tried to regress the entire function. It didn't look good. The kitten scratched her hand, tried to eat her hair...

    Oh, that's what I meant to blog about: We got a girl-kitten. Grandma loves it. So does the 9 year old, the daughter with her first job saving up for her first (non-college) apartment and the here and there son and girlfriend. The husband and the eldest (the once upon a time boy) aren't so sure. I'm still nursing my hand (when I'm not dangling it temptingly over her). Grandma turned 96 last month. I'll tell you about the hernia later.

Envy

My mother turned 96, 2 days ago. My baby turned 9, 2 weeks ago. My first born turned 29, 2  months ago.
(As a a professor I feel compelled to point out I'm rounding to make for better symmetry) (If you are anything like my students you wish I wouldn't).  This isn't getting easier.

My mother says almost every time she sees me doing anything that she is envious of  my ability to do -anything. She is envious of my "young legs". She is envious that my husband is still alive. She is envious that I'm a "doctor". I try to point out that at my age she was very active too. In fact probably more so -and she hadn't been on blodd pressure medication for more than 10 years already -and that is when she moves on the degree and the husband because I can't say she had those things. So I win. Only it doesn't feel like it.
 I am just weary. The last year I keep telling myself I will at least write things down again but I can't remember why and I can't seem to figure out how to get a laugh out of much of it.
 I try to tell her it would be nice if she was proud of me rather than envious - I don't go on to even try to explain how guilty and ...confused it makes me feel when it sounds as if she would be happer if I weren't still walking, or married, or terminally degreed. Or as if I should be sure not to flaunt any of these things in front of her - although I'm not sure what constitutes flaunting. It's not as if anyone ever treats her as anything but the wise grandma who, as my children say "knows everything". Even if she doesn't always remember it anymore.
  So if you have wandered back here and followed along, and to give myself that sense of narrative purpose here's a liitle catching up since January: Grandma was with her other daughter (the one who reads to her more) from January through March 22. Grandma has a hernia and oxygen now to go with all else, and shots 3xs a week for blood boosting and bloodwork 1x week to check on that and a local doctor who wants to recheck and redo everythings done while she was in Maryland.
  The 29 year old had a cyst that had to drained on his back after it became infected and then an open wound that had to be "packed" and dressed everyday (middle of back, handicap or know you'd have to have someone else do this for you). Turns out I can do shots, colostomy care, clean stitiches, clean in general - but not clean open wounds and push gauze under cut flaps of skin. Unh unh. Can't do it. Fortunately that husband I'm so lucky to still have can.
   The college graduate girl has gotten a job -much faster than we anticipated, and a kitten so my free help and child care is now more of another boarder. Don't get me wrong -I am thrilled the job is close, and want her to stay until she can save for a place of her own (and hoping that takes awhile) but I definitely could have used her unemployed until the end of the semester.
 Speaking of which as adjuncts are used less I took on more since I doubt it will be offered again (teaching next year? who knows!) - that has meant commuting 3xs a week and juggling 3 lectures a week and 100 plus students.
 Then there was the weather. Well, no need to fill anyone in on that. 
Also I went to Hawaii TWO TIMES since January. Envy that.

still under water

So really Kauia was amazing and this has to be the best family vacation picture ever. The snorkeling company we were with (they take you out in a zodiac) had a photographer along because they were working on a new website. So here we all are, mom, dad and the 2 youngest - one of whom just graduated from college on the 5 and 1/2 year plan and one missing a week of 3rd grade. "Dad" (or "hey dad...as he is known in the family) is going down for a better shot. The 8 year old's right next to mom because he still wasn't too sure about snorkeling and was being bribed to keep his head down (he did have to put his head :up to shout, "this is awesome"- which sounds kinda funny underwater. Maybe that is why the turtle is diving away. Still it all was pretty awesome. Right before this we'd been watching a humpback and calf repeatedly breeching and splashing back into the sea. Just close enough to be amazing but not scary. We pretty well ran out of adjectives while we were there. We knew real life was continuing on the "mainland" as we islanders like to call every where else, but we ignored it. The occasional text updating us that Grandma was in the hospital again just floated on by. I left the messages in the bottle. I felt so young there...
 ... which is about when the bursitis kicked in. Three weeks later and Grandma is back with her other daughter and I am still on "break" except for teaching 2 classes and trying not to confuse them. One is twice a week undergrad, the other once a week grad students but meeting in the same room which makes it hard to remember where I am lecture wise at moments (bad moments, moments I am again glad no one else hears the voices in my head). It's like that for my mom I guess. Only much worse. She knows she is forgetting what she just said. But it's up and down so sometimes it seems like she is just the same mom she has been for so very, very long. And then I see that a little bit of her is not quite here. And I am the same girl too I was and then some doctor has to tell me they can see I have spinal arthritis but of course it's just what they see at my age. My daughter told us (mom and dad) that we still look like teenagers - just old ones. Underwater this might be true. Especially since American teens today weigh more than they used to. Anyway I can't sleep worrying the college grad won't get a job - and neither will I after this semester.
  And we got the eldest new orthotics, still at the local Children's hospital since no one else really does CP. I actually haven't seen them yet since the only time I saw him this week was when he was on his way to the Y for swimming and the "boots" don't float (and neither will the bill -ha ha, a medical cost joke). I am looking forward to going back to the islands...

New Year's Resolution: Go to Hawaii. No Really...

These are 2 bald eagles in the pouring rain, right outside my bedroom window at Grandma's house for Christmas. What does this have to do with going to Hawaii? Absolutely nothing and it isn't even a good photo but it was really cool. Also I want to make it clear that Virginia has certain advantages and disadvantages this time of year.

This is the inside of Grandma's house at Christmas. I won't identify anyone but there were 13 other people who didn't even make it into this shot but were all in the same room. I will apologize for Grandma's cane being in front of her face. Otherwise it's perfect.

   Still Hawaii seemed like a good idea. Grandma is even prepared.

 OK, so it was irresistable to not get her to model the grass skirt and lei that we'd made are (also) long suffering daughter wear the night before during her graduation celebration (cake and congratulations) we squeezed into our annual Christmas carol sing along. I told my mom today when she was with my sister at the hospital that she has to live until we get back because we are going to photoshop her into the vacation pictures. She said OK.
 Tomorrow we pack and then spend the night with our conveniently located other parent and let her drive us to the airport. Too late now to organize even thoughts.

I haven't blogged in a long time because I was pretty well still emotionally paralyzed. No, it was that I had no time. Or maybe that it was too tiring to sit down and write in the morning and there was no time in the evening -or possibly the other way around. Perhaps it was the necessity of having rational thoughts to share - on the other hand that hasn't stopped me ...  On the other hand my recent discovery of the margarita sampler at Outback may have inspired me.
 On the (95 year old, mine) mom front my excuses seem to be the same as they were 40 years ago {she knows what buttons to push -mine have always been clearly labeled) or 40 weeks ago (pneumonia and a stint in rehab*). The facility is up near my sister since that's where she was when she got sick. All things considered (and it is a long list) she is doing amazingly well, at least when they keep the oxygen going and the pain meds current - then she even has a sense of humor. It's dark but it's there. My poor sister, one more week and grandma would have been back with me!
 On the being a terrible mom  (as opposed to daughter) front I finally got the eldest son to his orthopedist (only the one at the nearest Children's hospital deals with the CP but one must cross major bureaucratic hurdles to get a 28 year old in).  Seems his knee caps have been pulled right up above the actual joint -it looks creepy in the x-ray. Now we get to pursue newer and better orthotics.
 The youngest missed 4 days of school to find out he does NOT have pertussis. Since I figured a diagnosis couldn't make his cough any worse I was mildly dis- appointed since this would have made a great anecdote for the undergraduate epi class. Oh well, you can't win them all. I will keep my eye out for another I make work it in still.
* "rehab" really has a whole different meaning at her age! On the other hand when we said she had to go she did say "no. no. no."