Envy

My mother turned 96, 2 days ago. My baby turned 9, 2 weeks ago. My first born turned 29, 2  months ago.
(As a a professor I feel compelled to point out I'm rounding to make for better symmetry) (If you are anything like my students you wish I wouldn't).  This isn't getting easier.

My mother says almost every time she sees me doing anything that she is envious of  my ability to do -anything. She is envious of my "young legs". She is envious that my husband is still alive. She is envious that I'm a "doctor". I try to point out that at my age she was very active too. In fact probably more so -and she hadn't been on blodd pressure medication for more than 10 years already -and that is when she moves on the degree and the husband because I can't say she had those things. So I win. Only it doesn't feel like it.
 I am just weary. The last year I keep telling myself I will at least write things down again but I can't remember why and I can't seem to figure out how to get a laugh out of much of it.
 I try to tell her it would be nice if she was proud of me rather than envious - I don't go on to even try to explain how guilty and ...confused it makes me feel when it sounds as if she would be happer if I weren't still walking, or married, or terminally degreed. Or as if I should be sure not to flaunt any of these things in front of her - although I'm not sure what constitutes flaunting. It's not as if anyone ever treats her as anything but the wise grandma who, as my children say "knows everything". Even if she doesn't always remember it anymore.
  So if you have wandered back here and followed along, and to give myself that sense of narrative purpose here's a liitle catching up since January: Grandma was with her other daughter (the one who reads to her more) from January through March 22. Grandma has a hernia and oxygen now to go with all else, and shots 3xs a week for blood boosting and bloodwork 1x week to check on that and a local doctor who wants to recheck and redo everythings done while she was in Maryland.
  The 29 year old had a cyst that had to drained on his back after it became infected and then an open wound that had to be "packed" and dressed everyday (middle of back, handicap or know you'd have to have someone else do this for you). Turns out I can do shots, colostomy care, clean stitiches, clean in general - but not clean open wounds and push gauze under cut flaps of skin. Unh unh. Can't do it. Fortunately that husband I'm so lucky to still have can.
   The college graduate girl has gotten a job -much faster than we anticipated, and a kitten so my free help and child care is now more of another boarder. Don't get me wrong -I am thrilled the job is close, and want her to stay until she can save for a place of her own (and hoping that takes awhile) but I definitely could have used her unemployed until the end of the semester.
 Speaking of which as adjuncts are used less I took on more since I doubt it will be offered again (teaching next year? who knows!) - that has meant commuting 3xs a week and juggling 3 lectures a week and 100 plus students.
 Then there was the weather. Well, no need to fill anyone in on that. 
Also I went to Hawaii TWO TIMES since January. Envy that.