I'm not saying it makes sense

No broken bones (yesterdays xrays)but 91 years has battered her a bit. And when my mom is trying not to be a "burden" then it seems the most like one. Life is funny.

Jesse thought the photographing was all about him when we stopped in the Rockies last summer to join the other tourists shooting away at this poor resting elk. But he was enjoying it (Jesse not the elk).

I am down even though we still managed to sled today even as the melting snow is making rivers down our sad broken gutters. Jesse introduced us the "flashlight sledding". But I couldn't help noticing how he towered over the kids in the Music Together (plug) class today - all young preschoolers and he is almost not a preschooler. I tried to remember when he was that age. And I couldn't really. Already. What will I be like if I live to mom's age? What will I remember? I want it all back -but if I go back to when my guys were little there would be no Jesse. That is something this age span makes too hard -picking a time you could go back to even if you could. This is silly. Mugging for the camera even now and none of the other tourists notice. I am tired and the world seems so full of lies I can not set straight (or even disentangle) and time does what it always does and I just seem to watch it and not do a thing about it.

Try the "Why worry" video again -it works today. Why not.

So you can see upkeep on the hot tub exterior is behind schedule but the sled run? Even as I type I hear the shoveling as he of the engineering mind is, in the dark, continuing to perfect it, improving the banking, extending the distance. As of this morning it was probably the safest route out of the house. Every time Caleb exits I walk with him so he can brace the crutch tip on my shoe instep if needed (I'm so glad I have great snow boots). I'd just returned from dropping him off at the bus (finally running again) (and where he told me as he got on he hadn't checked anyone was meeting him to help get to class) when my mom told me she had lied to Bernie. I was OK with that. But she had lied when she told him she was fine this morning. She was not. So phone calls were made and ... more phone calls were made... and a few more and I was ready to take her to her GP (1+ hours away) and the sled master was ready to come home and take Jesse to the firehouse for the preschool field trip and then preschool for the long delayed Valentine's Day party and well alot of stuff like that. And it took 20 minutes to get Grandma over the ice and to the car (I'm thinking we should have put the sled run on the front porch). Naturally I drove off with the only set of keys to the car the man planned to use and he lost (and eventually found) his work badges and the GP ordered xrays and... well alot of stuff like that. I did drive the bit farther and let mom at least see her house was still standing. That was good if frustrating since I didn't want her to get out and see the water damage from the burst pipe 2 weeks ago.

Naturally after one of those lectures last night where everyone (including me) seems to be staring blankly at one another I had the great idea of starting a "Discussion forum" on Blackboard (which I still hate) and offering extra credit for participation. Which meant I must be checking it, and I needed to send the TAs the latest grading guidelines and ... well alot of stuff like that.

When Jesse got in bed with me "to cuddle" yesterday morning he finally turned to me and sorrowfully pointed out, "You're just lying there with your eyes closed!" You can sympathize with me can't you? I did put my arms around him then and as he squished into me he said, "Now that is cuddle-ing." So I shouldn't be whining.

Some one said something to me that was meant to be (and was) very nice about my saying " 'Yes' to life". The thing is that really pretty often I'm saying something much more like, "No, I don't think so," or occasionally, "Not now, I have a headache." Life just doesn't listen.

God on the other hand -He does... and then I have to apologise.

cowboys in the snow

I had a Martha Stewart moment yesterday and made Jesse a hobby horse. We drew a picture and picked the old sock and stuffed it, and glued on a mane and reins and painted a face and Voila! "I don't like it," he said as I handed it to him. And that is where being a battle hardened mom comes in handy, because I could laugh and know that in about 10 minutes he would change his mind. He did.

Later, I was thinking about the hardening from those "negative social views of handicaps" my niece had interviewed me about. They missed one. Perhaps not the worst but the most common in malls and pretty annoying. It is just hard to give it a name. It is that this-really-isn't-so-bad-it-doesn't-have-to-make-me-think-life-is-unfair reaction. The reaction that meant for years (basicly until the facial hair came in and he was not a cute little guy) I couldn't walk through a mall without someone having to say to me, "Oh, he's doing so well!" or "You're doing such a good job!" To the first I responded, "Really? Yesterday he could walk without crutches," and to the second, "Yes, I haven't beat him in public all day." Or at least I said these things behind my frozen smile and nodding head. Nod and smile. It is a handy skill.

snowbound II

I read today that "millions" of people were "demoralized" by the second blizzard in 2 days - I was demoralized that we only got about 3 more inches. I have become greedy for snow and the 20+ inches we already had is just not enough. Everything stops for the snow. Caleb is snowbound with a family from church who picked him up from classes yesterday since the buses weren't running (well they often help him get to the bus) and he had packed extra stuff just in case -and then the blizzard was late getting here so we really could have gotten him -but why spoil the fun? My engineering husband made a sled run that started at the top of the porch steps and wrapped around to go into the back yard. I answered email questions about identifying the variables in a questionnaire and fumed about pharisaical tendencies in otherwise perfectly decent people (Titheing mint!) and helped my niece by being the interviewee for her class on teaching people with disabilities. The topic for that last thing was society's negative views of people with... an hour of providing examples and then the "positive" questions -what were our "great expectations" and his? how about relationships? Nope, not cheering me up. There was at least a perverse glee in affirming the bad behavior in society at large. Gusting winds inside and out. But Grandma could sit by the window to watch the sledders and the birds, and the snow is beautiful and glows blue and it cools my burning cheeks. Rumors of another storm just tantalize us. Everyone else demoralizes us.

Why worry?

There is alot I could worry about. There's the weather of course, the stock market, bureaucrats, general social decay. And then there's my own ones to worry about in case no one else is: the shy daughter away at college, the 4 year old, the one with crutches, shunt and seizures, my "a-ged" mother (as she calls herself)... but isn't this the guy I'm not supposed to worry about? (His good red bearded friend is just an innocent bysitter). If you don't understand just wait until the end of the video and look where the others are looking. And yes, I forgot I was taking a video. I forget what I'm doing alot lately.

snowbound

Seriously. This looks adorable. And like he knows what he is doing. I finally had to stop watching from the lounge window as he gesticulated to his group instructor and tried to take off one ski and put on the other and just generally, and clearly even from a distance, tried to do things his was. The important thing though is that this picture is awesome.

We are at a ski resort. It was a plan long before the Great Big Blizzard of the East was a twinkle in anyone's eyes. we had set Caleb up for 2 days "sit" skiing -something he has done once or twice a year for years with an organization that does adaptive sports. He love it. This year I decided we should all go along and Jesse was ready for lessons. So I made all the arrangements, my sister said she'd come stay with mom. And then the forecasters started their thing. I sobbed when I heard travel might be impossible Friday night. I was desperate. We booked another night (at this point we might as well have flown to Bermuda (hyperbole)) and I left Thursday night. Bernie, with son #2 and friend, left early Friday morning -by which I mean 12:30am. Still that was a good choice. The mountains were slick by morning light.

We settled in. The skiing for Caleb was canceled Saturday but the other big boys still snowboarded in the blowing snow. I just worked on Ppt slides so I'd be free the play by the time the sun came out. Good plan huh?

Thing is some how I ended up the one holding the boots, trading coats with Caleb when his zipper broke, and not being fond of my husband when he opted to ski (as I had encouraged him to do), stuck in the "Welcome Center" with free internet but no car, no food, a long walk from the condo, and still hauling around the boots, and my batteries are running down. I am still working on feeling very sorry for myself. I'd like to say I have kept it to myself but I had to call the skiing husband to pick me up and drive me here when I got lost walking from the ski lodge (no internet there without a password) -so he could kinda tell at that point I was not so happy. Actually I had not completely revealed my secret until , noticing my snippyness, the man asked, "Wasn't this supposed to be a relaxing break?" Oh boy. Yeah. See the boots I am carrying because you didn't want to put them back in the car and failed to notice that I would have to them around for 4 hours? Or the lecture prep I made myself finish yesterday to be "free" today, or the cooking and... -no I actually skipped the cooking complaint. Even I know I kept professing to enjoy it- and I did until he said that. Then suddenly I was totally abused. And really, the boots are those cute little frog rainboots of Jesse's (in case you were picturing something a bit more burdensome).

When will I stop thinking I can run away and not find myself waiting where-ever I go?

Some one sent a response to my last blog but I don't think I can reply directly so let me answer the question here. No, I do not know about the Defense Travel System because I am in the military. I know about it because I am a poor innocent victim whose husband is a civilian working for the military and I spend many lonely hours waiting for him to return from doing travel ... paperwork. If I can't sleep I ask him to explain the DTS to me and as my eyes glaze over and I drift off I am vaguely aware of him beginning to seethe and his blood boiling so not only do I get to sleep but I am also warmer.

Otherwise my topic du jour is it being February already and I wasn't even really getting started with January. The graduate class I am teaching is taking much more time this semester because I am trying to make the students happier by providing more complete Powerpoint slides. Now they are beginning to look like I do when what's his name starts talking about the DTS, as I read through them -and yet I still had a student ask if I could post the "important" points from the discussion after I go through the slides. Really. I am earning my sainthood because I did NOT say there were no important points. Someday some one should do a study on how Ppt has destroyed education as we knew it. No slides and they complain, add comments as you go they complain you should post those too, don't add comments and you are "just reading through" -then why even bother coming to class? Oh and when I write things on the chalkboard there is the contingent that wants it on a "Smart board" so it can be saved. Take notes? Come to class? That is so unrealisitic! Reality check. This is a vent. The vast majority of the students are not like this. Then again they don't whine so I don't hear them. And I just keep tryin to grease the squeeky wheel ....$%&^()_+ not actual bad words but as I wrote that last sentence I remembered the bread rising in the oven (off) that had a lovely caraway and salt topping -2, almost 3 hours ago. I just had to re- punch it down so the topping is now a filling (ish) and I will be up late waiting for it to rise again and bake. It seemed like a good idea to make bread this evening- no, - now it is in the refridgerator and hopefully the yeast (exhausted by now anyway) will rest and can start over in the morning.

Does this explain why I haven't been blogging? This was supposed to be my free time. The thing about "caretaking" (for lack of a better word but when I have more energy the first thing I'm going to do is come up with a better word) is the constant little alarms and interuptions. Jesse has been much more independent lately, entertaining himself (when he isn't entertaining me) but that also means unexpected 4 yr old initiated activities. Today it was a trip for Grandma to see his room. That's right. Suddenly on their schedule -not mine, my mom is going to climb the stairs to see his new bed. He cheered her along, "Good job grandma. You are the best, I am poud of you." Still I couldn't exactly stay in the kitchen (or at the computer) during all this. And she made it and I did not have to cushion her fall -which is about the best I could have done. And meanwhile I had to run up and down and up and down to keep up with laundry etc etc. With this much exercise I should be losing weight.

But no, my out-let has been cooking since we all need to eat. And boy do we. Last week it was sea scallops in white wine and garlic with grilled steak, potatoes fried in olive oil (after precooking in microwave), and spinach sauteed in the scallop pan juices, then chicken thighs with sundried tomatoes, fresh herbs (cold, but fresh), dried mushrooms, more white wine, all over rice. Pancakes with grated apple and cottage cheese and cinnamon, pancakes with blueberries and homemade syrup with hazlenut liquer, biscuits with grated cheddar with carmelized onions (I have no idea where this cheese came from but I found it in my fridge -thanks to whoever left it here). Impromptu cheese sauce (the way my mom taught me to do it), everything from scratch, all coated in butter and/or olive oil to lessen my guilt. I cook for affirmation. I can get this right. Well except the bread, at least not tonight.

And Caleb. He is getting to class but more than that I don't ask. If I do he might tell me something that would worry me. My sweet shy daughter is being pulled into those college dramas -not the ones on stage but if you are a female you know what I mean. The other son has a lovely girlfriend. I still love the old one. My eyes are closed -just tell me when we get there.

The snow is beautiful. So is all this other stuff.