Focus

The jumping boy is whining at me because we are visiting his sister at her college and unreasonably we aren't taking the cat and she loves cats. And even 'worser' he then learned that one of his older brothers is not coming. Guess which one?
 Or rather guess which one at 27 still has no particular choice -or at least little to choose from. We were discussing slavery the other day and this older brother said he has no freedom. I tried to argue he did -but even to me it sounded weak. Maybe that is what got me going on this present jag.
 It's always there but mostly I ignore it. The non-normality, the lost dreams (oh, I hate the melodrama). Twenty-seven year olds should be getting married. I would say like all his friends but he doesn't have any. Too stark a statement for me. I like things nuanced but some days there is no finessing it. He has family and a computer. He is a brother and a son and a grandson but there are so many other things he is not. It is so heartbreaking in a small child, these disabilities that separate them from so much but past a certain age, and with a certain amount of facial hair it is just kinda creepy. Clearly I am not supposed to say that but you know it is. Not always, not when I have the right attitude and the sun is shining and we are laughing together. But at night, when I am tired and I think of all the things I have not done right and all the things I should have done and should be doing and maybe one more docter or program or push to get him to have some plans and hope himself, and when there are so many marriage plans and baby's due and he has no plans and nothing due and not even any connection to those who do -then. The eternal perspective gets a bit blurry and I can't remember why this is really all ok. I forget. That all life is moving fast and you just keep jumping. I forget that the verse I chalked on my door means it when it says, "If only for this life we have hope in Christ then we are more to be pitied than all men." I am too busy with the pity... and whining about what I can't bring along.

Crystals Balls (no not the politician)

Just now I was crying at the end of the movie A Dolphin's Tale as they showed the real footage of amputees visiting the real dolphin with the prosthetic tale. So my 7 year old put his arms around me and this is what he said, "It's OK mom. It's OK. People have different disabilities. Like my brother." These were his words of comfort. You see -to him this was really comforting. Don't cry about this because we know about it already. Also I didn't say "disabilities" -he did and if this had been movie dialogue I would have found it extremely unrealistic for a just barely 7 year old. None of it is what I expected.
My other half is on travel all week. The eldest is staying with his other grandmother, the grandmother who normally inhabits my blog is with her other daughter, and all my other children are doing other things (no need to find an other word). Even the youngest had a playdate this afternoon (pre-movie) and I had an empty house. I literally can't remember the last time that happened. I graded papers, worked on my powerpoints and fielded calls from absent family members. Still I was on my own. I ate lunch with no thought to anyone else's tastes, I went outside witout telling anyone. I wrote a new quote on the front door (it doesn't really surprise you that I write on my house does it?). I didn't even miss my missing half. For almost 5 hours.
Now I am taking comfort from little arms and still sniffling over all the missing pieces because even when they can be replaced it's never quite what you expected.

Fantasy...

...TO DO List while my mom is with (her) 1st daughter for a few weeks and (my) husband is on travel:

Item 1: Clean entire house

Item 2: Wash chalk messages from last summer off front door

Item3:Get out summer clothes (since the temperature has dropped 20 deg., of course?)

Item 4:Put away winter stuff in an organized way

Item 5: Reorganize my mom's closet and "supply" storage

Item 6: Find husband's lost Kindle since he swears he didn't leave the house with it

Item 6: PLant those plants I keep pickinh up at Garden Centers -it wouldn't be so bad if I just picked them up but I actuaaly paid for them

Item 7: Pay medical bills (semi-annual)

Item 8: Better organize time...oops, gotta go to the old ladies exercise class....

(you'll have to figure out the conection between picture and list)