Or rather guess which one at 27 still has no particular choice -or at least little to choose from. We were discussing slavery the other day and this older brother said he has no freedom. I tried to argue he did -but even to me it sounded weak. Maybe that is what got me going on this present jag.
It's always there but mostly I ignore it. The non-normality, the lost dreams (oh, I hate the melodrama). Twenty-seven year olds should be getting married. I would say like all his friends but he doesn't have any. Too stark a statement for me. I like things nuanced but some days there is no finessing it. He has family and a computer. He is a brother and a son and a grandson but there are so many other things he is not. It is so heartbreaking in a small child, these disabilities that separate them from so much but past a certain age, and with a certain amount of facial hair it is just kinda creepy. Clearly I am not supposed to say that but you know it is. Not always, not when I have the right attitude and the sun is shining and we are laughing together. But at night, when I am tired and I think of all the things I have not done right and all the things I should have done and should be doing and maybe one more docter or program or push to get him to have some plans and hope himself, and when there are so many marriage plans and baby's due and he has no plans and nothing due and not even any connection to those who do -then. The eternal perspective gets a bit blurry and I can't remember why this is really all ok. I forget. That all life is moving fast and you just keep jumping. I forget that the verse I chalked on my door means it when it says, "If only for this life we have hope in Christ then we are more to be pitied than all men." I am too busy with the pity... and whining about what I can't bring along.
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