Up in flames

My mom and my sister gave me this rattan chair when Caleb was born so I would have some where comfy to sit while I expressed milk to take to the NICU. All the cross pieces were held together by plastic ties -not apparently the kind of plastic that will still be found in landfills a hundred years from now -although little bits of them can still be found in my bedroom carpet. Sitting on this chair had become (too much of) an adventure. The time had come, it had to go. But I wanted a noble end so on the fire it went. Moments after this it was aglorious blaze. Very satisfying even if a little sad but now I have room for a better chair.
Now how do I write what I wanted to say about taking care of my mom without it sounding related to this? It's not -exactly. But when I was doing yard work I was thinking about the difference in "care-taking" between taking care of my mom, Jesse, and Caleb. With my mom I can't look forward to a break. Never having to clean up the bathroom floor again, or get another (warmer, please) cup of coffee only goes with... no mom. I can't even think about it. So I can't think about having more time and less laundry on that account. With Jesse I grieve a little over every phase passed but it is alright to look forward to the time he needs less of my time -there's things I will miss and things to rejoice over in the future. I know (in my heart at least) eventually he will be dry all night every night (I do believe, I do believe). As far as Jesse goes, I can plan for a time I have more time without guilt -but there's not just Jesse so I can't because what kind of daughter would I be to find anything good in my mom being gone? And then there is Caleb, where I want to ... but I can't look forward to something that may not happen at all. This is not my clearest writing -it couldn't be could it? Not about the murkiest of my thoughts. Wanting to see a time to rest but not wanting to either. I'm still working this out. I'll keep you posted. Jesse at that age where all the future is exciting, my mom with mostly past and Caleb with little of either it feels. I'm going to go watch Monk with Bernie.