Red eyes

The glow you see in Jesse's eyes isn't the flash -it's just reflecting our feelings at trying to make "Grandma's house" livable for her this summer. Every weekend we have been making the 1 1/2 hr commute to try and fix the plumbing and ready it for people who (please God) have more expertise to come in and work on it.

Today was one of those days that rather than sandwiched between the old and young I felt blessed on all sides (ok, maybe not all, but at least those two) as Jesse hung on the side of Grandma's bed -did you know a hospital bed is just the right height for a 5 year old to hug the occupant? He "loves her so so so much. But not as much as Mom." So he does know who still does the cooking. Still it was a nice unsolicited bout of affection. Later, when a friend visited and Mom asked us to come in her room and then teased me about something I took a vase of roses and shook it over her while all the petals dropped on her. I don't know if the visitor thought we were both crazy but somehow it seemed very appropriate to me to have my mother lying covered with petals for the rest of the visit. Caregving can be entertaining.

Earlier I tried to advise a student via phone on her final research project and discuss outliers, and normality assumptions whilst Jesse chased me outside (I had some time before he found his shoes to do so) and yelled about his new car booster that he wanted to assemble himself as it had just arrived, and the money hungry college student painting the laundry room for cash asked about spackling. There are no normality assumptions in this house.

point of view

This is Jesse at the local Farmer's Market. It's behind me. All full of leafy green things. He was ready to go home. I've uploaded this for now to keep the thought. All I was thinking of when last at the market was that my mother had said the night before that she didn't feel welcome in my home. It's like when your teens say they hate you. You know it is the mood, and the misery speaking -but it doesn't really help knowing that. Afterall it is the mood and the misery you were trying to avoid.

heartaches

Last summer. But it still makes me happy. And you can see the scar on the back of my first born's head. But what you really see is his sister holding him up because the donkey's were afraid of his crutches. There was music video I saw, a counrty one of course, with cute children saying what they wanted to be when they grow up -including a cute on in a wheel chair. He wanted to be an explorer. And of course as the future is all opportunity and technological advances this is a real possibility -in music video land. You can be whatever you dream.

Caleb is not so cute anymore.

And tomorrow we pick up my mom but yesterday she fell again. She had my sister call so she could ask me what doctor to see, and could we stop by for an MRI on the way home tomorrow? She didn't completely make sense, and she was starting to cry and then saying my sister thought she was being "stupid". This is my mom and when it comes down to it I'd probably rather think that my sibling was not being as nice as I would be rather than my mom is falling apart but I know it's not true. My sister is nicer and I could hear her trying to reassure our mom. I could hear her. I didn't want to. I wanted to hang up. I am curled up in a king size hotel bed while my husband is at meetings and my older ones have the little one for 2 days so that I can relax. Already I had a call from my cardiologist that they will have to postpone my nuclear stress test because they asked the insurance company's permission too late (and you think this will be better with my federal involvelment?). Since I had started to worry over this test and had been scheduling aroung it for several days I handled it (not) very well. I cried to the insurance company -and here's the thing. They are trying to fix it now. God knows why they would want to keep us on their role but maybe they figure everyone will want the plan we have. If they can't I just have to reschedule and wait another week to spend thousonds to find out that it's just stress and menopause. Any bets?

Chickens at a Christmas tree farm

Why not? It's about as sensible as anything else that might go here and far cuter than the picture I contemplated (taking and) posting of Caleb's black and swollen eyelid.

I forgot (again) that Jesse has preschool on Thursdays, so with husband out of town I left him (5 yr old, not husband) with my sister while I gave a final exam Wednesday night and then spent the night with her and was just hanging out (and grading) when the other son called asking how to locate our friend the school nurse. I'm pretty clever so I knew this was a bad sign. Only when I asked why did he need this particularly useful (and loved) friend was I told Caleb had just had a seizure, hit his head and there was kinda alot of blood. Can you say 911?

And I called the school nurse so she could be there too -since it was prime rush hour and I (and husband) were on the far side from home of alot of rushing. Let's sum up. Scans and blood work clear, 3 stitches, impressive swelling, hours of waiting in traffic (even taking hybrid advantage of HOV lanes) to get to the ER and... wait, rescued finals from being thrown up on (hence the scan), most of grading done, yearly CT scan taken care of, medication blood levels (ordered last month and postponed until convenient -hah) done. Not bad for one day.

Oh, and earlier in the day heart to heart with sister about 92 year old mother's occasional craziness, later in the day (driving back from ER and 24hr pharmacy to be precise) heart to heart with college daughter about guys and "just being friends" and ... did I mention I want to sit in a corner and howl? Like the chickens.

If there is a point here... please tell me.

blooming

The azaleas are never disappointing. And I'm not crazy about pink, and I hate what I call "builder azaleas" -those awful magenta (according to my mother "awful magenta" is that shade of red you personally dislike) stuck in around new home foudations in between various equally awful arbovitae or holly shrubs (the ones without any points on there leaves -or to their very existence). But azaleas on the edge of the woods in all the wonderful variety they actually come in, that's another thing all together. Yes, I am a plant snob.

But in a limited part time kind of way - just like my teaching next semester. Unlike the azaleas finding this out was rather anticlimactic. I will be doing pretty much what I did this year but for a somewhat better "compensation package" (that means pay since what the University means by limited is don't even think about benefits). It was all so calm, and simple and naturally I felt quite silly for all my fretting -except for the comment about being "supportive of our limited part-time faculty" as long as they are "improving" -warning or explanation? Who knows and at this point I am determined not to ever let myself get in such a fuss again. From now on if they act like I might not be good enough for them -well I don't want to play with them either. etc etc she says with her head held high. Really, there is a plan other than the University's.

As for Caleb I have no idea how he did in his classes and I don't exactly care either because at the end of the day (so to speak) it was clear he is not committed to any path right now and clearly with out some committment none will get him far. He needs to stop and really think this time -not just tell us he is. We are suggesting counseling -not so much for the counsel as someone (not us) to talk to. He is feeling like it is all pointless but he just keeps avoiding any uncomfortable topics and so... I haven't wanted him to drag out the stuff that hurts, to have to "go there" as they now say far too often (so accept my apologies, since I just said it too). But ignoring it is not working for him. I know he has so much to offer. Jesse surely knows it. He was thrilled to have his big 'bruh-er' available the last few days to 'watch me' -he was all full of love for Caleb at dinner and wanted to hold hands while he ate. Caleb loves him so -even if not enough to only have one hand to eat with. There are limits.

And now the roses are starting to open and this weird fringy lilac I bought and then thought of getting rid of has suddenly bloomed like crazy and shot up to shade the chair I always envisioned it shading so I could sit under it this evening with Jesse on my lap smelling all the blooms he could reach. It must have know I'd thoughtof removing it. Saved; smarter than the fig tree.