blooming

The azaleas are never disappointing. And I'm not crazy about pink, and I hate what I call "builder azaleas" -those awful magenta (according to my mother "awful magenta" is that shade of red you personally dislike) stuck in around new home foudations in between various equally awful arbovitae or holly shrubs (the ones without any points on there leaves -or to their very existence). But azaleas on the edge of the woods in all the wonderful variety they actually come in, that's another thing all together. Yes, I am a plant snob.

But in a limited part time kind of way - just like my teaching next semester. Unlike the azaleas finding this out was rather anticlimactic. I will be doing pretty much what I did this year but for a somewhat better "compensation package" (that means pay since what the University means by limited is don't even think about benefits). It was all so calm, and simple and naturally I felt quite silly for all my fretting -except for the comment about being "supportive of our limited part-time faculty" as long as they are "improving" -warning or explanation? Who knows and at this point I am determined not to ever let myself get in such a fuss again. From now on if they act like I might not be good enough for them -well I don't want to play with them either. etc etc she says with her head held high. Really, there is a plan other than the University's.

As for Caleb I have no idea how he did in his classes and I don't exactly care either because at the end of the day (so to speak) it was clear he is not committed to any path right now and clearly with out some committment none will get him far. He needs to stop and really think this time -not just tell us he is. We are suggesting counseling -not so much for the counsel as someone (not us) to talk to. He is feeling like it is all pointless but he just keeps avoiding any uncomfortable topics and so... I haven't wanted him to drag out the stuff that hurts, to have to "go there" as they now say far too often (so accept my apologies, since I just said it too). But ignoring it is not working for him. I know he has so much to offer. Jesse surely knows it. He was thrilled to have his big 'bruh-er' available the last few days to 'watch me' -he was all full of love for Caleb at dinner and wanted to hold hands while he ate. Caleb loves him so -even if not enough to only have one hand to eat with. There are limits.

And now the roses are starting to open and this weird fringy lilac I bought and then thought of getting rid of has suddenly bloomed like crazy and shot up to shade the chair I always envisioned it shading so I could sit under it this evening with Jesse on my lap smelling all the blooms he could reach. It must have know I'd thoughtof removing it. Saved; smarter than the fig tree.