Far far away

 It wasn't that long ago though. But I have noticed the last few years that every time I run away when I get back I can't quite remember what it was like anywhere else. This is why I have 5,000 pictures of Kauia on my computer -and that's after editing out the un-necessary ones.
My sweet sweet husband told me the other day that I am not good with the elderly or the handicapped.  It's true. I seem nice on the outside. I look very perky at the hospital and doctor's offices. I cheerfully give shots, and pack wounds and smile and nod when the surgeon explains how easy it will be to just gently push my mom's ... whatever you call the lump escaping through the hernia - back where it belongs. I stay at the table and smile and nod. But then I am afraid it must show that I really need to get to the other room to do some meaningful work -which turns out to be another round of spider solitaire.
 And lately I have made the discovery that while emotional outbursts are exhausting it is almost more exhausting to constantly push down the emotional outbursts and not run screaming out of the room saying , "No, no, no more." The people (and by this I mostly mean my mom) who have told me all my life how much easier it would be to stay calm aren't people who actually have to STAY calm -they simply are calm. One of my mother's biggest complaints (after the coffee being too cold and the water too warm) is that after years of calmness she find herself ready to cry often -and I say, "Welcome to my world."  It turns out that there is a price to pay for all this self control, all the saying, "yes, yes, the more the merrier." I'm not saying it isn't worth it. I'm just saying it's not as cheap as I thought. And every now and then it just seems to burst out anyway...