Changing colors

Another old picture but nothing has changed much except now I also turn red. It starts on my neck and comes up my face in angry splotches with the heat and anxiousness. It can be for no particular reason but anxiety definitely helps get things going. And the angry woman in my class, her face is reddish too as she mutters or complains whenever there is something she doesn't like. Clearly she has decided it is the time in life to be assertive so she shares her frustration with the material loudly and seems sure that if I just gave her a better example all would be clear. When I pointed out the assigned reading had some good examples she said, "no", she had read it and there were only a few and they weren't helpful. So at least I know it is not just me. And where she demands are the last assignments? They aren't returned yet (the TA has been keeping up but there are 30+ students). And why did I schedule a review session on Tuesday (I didn't, it is the school's schedule), and... Perhaps if I were not exhausted it wouldn't get to me -or at least not so much that I freeze up and stumble over the next few points trying to get my balance, or maybe just my usual skin tone back.

I get it now about all those studies showing health issues for "primary care givers" -I always hated the phrase. Mainly because of "health professionals" wanting to use that term to describe my relationship with Caleb when really "mom" seemed perfectly good. Still the part about the strain is true. It's not so much a physical strain -it is the state of constant alert. What kind of headache? How did school go today? Who will be on the other end of the ringing phone? What doctor did I forget an appointment with? (Years ago we got a call saying we'd missed an appointment [what was I saying? My mom just called and I found her back in bed having gotten up without her brace and then cleaned up after herself. How do I tell my mom that given her current eyesight it isn't really a help and where do I get some better smelling clorox spray?] -oh yeah, well I never could figure out who we were supposed to see. Sometimes at night I still worry there is still some specialist we should have seen and was just waiting to fix Caleb). Where was I? ... primary caregivers. I get it -it makes you crazy. It's like sleeplessness -and they work well together too.

Everyone says don't forget about yourself but that is just what I want to do. It's not 'me time' I need it's 'not me time'. Not me in charge, [another shout-did Bernie give her the nosespray for her back (modern medicine) -I'll check later], not me on call, not me missing calls, not me thinking, not me at all. And when I am stressed I get extra sensitive (dare I say paranoid) -so not only do I do a poorer job of teaching my students but even the ones who aren't murmering about me I begin to think are and every unreturned phone call is because I'm disliked or annoying and... -and knowing I am overreacting may help me show it less and be a less uncomfortable person to be around but I find me annoying too! Definitely no more me time. Please.

Jesse's art on the window and my Celestial Seasonings tye-dyed shirt. Anyway I only have "THREE minutes" to finish "payin on the computer" according to Jesse because then I have to play on the Wii with him (yes, we have a Wii -the first video game system I bought, I like the buzzy thing the controllers do. Simple feedback apparently works. I probably would train well as a lab rat.) So todays update. I had a fight with my 91 year old mother. Of course I don't think it was my fault but I'm pretty sure she doesn't think it was hers either. We are both touchy and pretty much for the same reasons. I told her she can't die tonight because then it will be my fault. I think she was going to object until I pointed out that she told me to drive safely when I went to take Jesse to preschool for the same reason. Bernie and I are going to make a list of things we won't be stubborn and unreasonable about when we are old. I'm afraid even if that works we will just find someother ways to be difficult -and probably more so since my temper has always been less even than my mom's. Not surprisingly I was lat picking up jesse too but when I said to him, "Here's your rotten mommy." (laughingly I assure) he so seriously tole me I was not "wotten" and then on the way hoome told me "You are not bad, at all mommy. And I will never be mean to you again." Where these things come from I don't know but I am hanging on to them. Yesterday he threw up all morning and then spent several hours telling us all how he loved us because we were doing a good job at this or that" oops, he is here and says my 3 minutes are up.

Oh and Caleb did sign up for 2 classes for the spring and both Tues/Thurs -good thinking.

And TODAY we have NO TEENAGERS!!! Happy Birthday my lovely girl.

OK -this is posed but it was all the middle monkey's idea. My older monkeys liked their pictures taken too but I'm not sure it meant as much at this age. And they didn't ask to see the results right away because that would have been silly. I had to take the film to be developed. Jesse of course would be completely baffled by a camera that didn't give you instant gratification.

Medical updates. Grandma is improving but indignities still happen and she has this brace thingy (medical term) that she has to wear for any activities (like sitting, or standing, or moving) and she needs help to get in it. She is not scrubbing floors yet and I made it clear to the case manager that should be the therapy goal. They have to have goals of course. She gave me one og those looks before laughing to be sure I didn't mean it. Today we got a CDC guide to safety for the elderly at home. I like the part that said any furniture in her path should be moved (what if she changed paths?) and best of all the warning that there should never be "objects on the floor." Oh that's reasonable. That of course explains the PT's look when she commented that she could see there must be small children around (I left the toy cabinet's doors open and the potential floor dwelling objects were there for all to see).

Caleb is (cross my fingers) looking at signing up for classes next semester. I am naturally lazy so it hasn't been too hard to stay out of the process so far but I am getting anxious now. I want to check schedules and make appointments and all that. I did tell him today to make some progress on it this week but I know he needs to do this on his own. Maybe it is God's idea to keep me busy or I probably would have been doing alot more pushing lately. God is so funny.

sleep-deprived babble -maybe skip this one

This picture is old but the giant asters look just like this again this year so I don't need a new picture. I am writing today because I put it on my list to do. Mom walked a little more today. Jesse had a complete melt down because I wouldn't feed the cat while I was on the phone with mom's doctor. Oh the day started with a call from mom's neighbors that one (of the three we were going to pick up next week) cat had died. And possibly it was a violent end but the damage might have just been after the fact. TMI for a for breakfast call. And one car also had a violent possible end today-but maybe not. It may just need new tires but the state trooper took the opprotunity to lecture, a young man who rarely drinks and certainly hadn't today, on drinking and driving lecture (by the by not so much as a citation was written up since the wrong doers were a) the rain and b) the guy who pulled out in front of my young man and after a brief stop took off before any police could arrive) ... Actually it had been my plan after an uneventful day to give some cooking tips. Something about using fresh thyme and steaming asparagus with white wine. As it is the KFC grilled chicken tonight went well with the boxed wine (none of the drinkers were drivers). But it is raining.

Retreating and advancing

I survived a women's church retreat. Actually, it survived me. And it was actually quite wonderful and I could get very mushy about the love-ly (really) women there. And only in God's house (in this case it came with 2 pool tables and a hot tub) could such a mix of people find so much comfort and joy in one another. The weather didn't hurt (as retreat "leader" this was the one thing I accepted full responsibility for). I thought adding the dolphins was a nice touch.

Back on the home front Bernie prepared for bringing my mom home. He even bought flowers for her. And got mad at the tech who told her that her hair was too tangled and not washed right and ought to be just cut off. Mom was amused though (evetually) because when the tech found out mom's age her attitude changed completely. Apparently what wasn't acceptable in a sickly 70 year old was alright in a relatively healthy 91 year old. Bernie gets so protective it's kinda cute until today when he also got mad at the hurried, he thought impatient, charge nurse. He managed to keep his temper with her but a few items carried to the car suffered. He definitely needs a break from the medical world. They did lose a very expensive medicine that was at least a third full but the thing is we got OUT of there and mom enjoyed my paella and Jesse said at grace that he is "so happy because Grandma is back at home. Shank you, shank you." So right now it is all pretty good. Oddly enough, gray day again, but one I can live with.

Playing Around

My mom is at the "rehab" place and they are pretty serious about the rehab part. The doctor there is optimistic she can get back to where she was functionally but says there is "no healing" of her porous old bones - just pain management. I haven't shared this with her and I am trying not to take it too seriously myself. My mom is used to ignoring pain but, it turns out, she is not used to having to work against it. Or maybe it is the being over 90 and the fact that it is a little tough to keep coming up with good reasons not to jump in the river other than a) someone would have to drive her there and b) neither her other daughter nor middle grandson (my side) could agree if the water was actually high enough. So she abandoned that plan and settled for making the next visitor (me) go out for ice cream. As if a broken back was not enough she is losing areas of sight in her remaining eye. She told a friend of mine who stopped by that she couldn't see her face but her "breasts were very nice." She is not losing her mind at least, but her "give-a-damn" is slipping a bit.

The plan is to "release" her this Saturday (so if you want to visit her now is your chance) -naturally since this is the weekend of the church retreat that I convinced myself a few months ago I should help organize. God is so funny. If I wasn't so tired I'd laugh. The tiredness is really the biggest complaint I have. Since mom fell I haven't for one reason or another had much sleep. My fear is if my students knew how little sleep I'd had before those last 2 lectures (one the night grandma was admitted, one the night after a certain daughter of mine called from college at 2am because.... oh you had to be there) they would NOT be surprised. On the other hand I never actually made a complete botch of anything, even if I did end up barefoot because somehow when I am tired and also kind of excited about explaining study design issues my shoes come off.

The video posted above is the guitar player's attempt at building a ramp for grandma's return and the little one's discovery of it's true purpose -and the fact that it (the ramp) is probably a bit steep. Also we will, obviously, have to get a rocking chair for grandma. Maybe if there was a little less playing around and a little more carpentry the ramp would be wheelchair ready. That would be no fun. Oh my shoes were off during the filming of this video.