Changing colors

Another old picture but nothing has changed much except now I also turn red. It starts on my neck and comes up my face in angry splotches with the heat and anxiousness. It can be for no particular reason but anxiety definitely helps get things going. And the angry woman in my class, her face is reddish too as she mutters or complains whenever there is something she doesn't like. Clearly she has decided it is the time in life to be assertive so she shares her frustration with the material loudly and seems sure that if I just gave her a better example all would be clear. When I pointed out the assigned reading had some good examples she said, "no", she had read it and there were only a few and they weren't helpful. So at least I know it is not just me. And where she demands are the last assignments? They aren't returned yet (the TA has been keeping up but there are 30+ students). And why did I schedule a review session on Tuesday (I didn't, it is the school's schedule), and... Perhaps if I were not exhausted it wouldn't get to me -or at least not so much that I freeze up and stumble over the next few points trying to get my balance, or maybe just my usual skin tone back.

I get it now about all those studies showing health issues for "primary care givers" -I always hated the phrase. Mainly because of "health professionals" wanting to use that term to describe my relationship with Caleb when really "mom" seemed perfectly good. Still the part about the strain is true. It's not so much a physical strain -it is the state of constant alert. What kind of headache? How did school go today? Who will be on the other end of the ringing phone? What doctor did I forget an appointment with? (Years ago we got a call saying we'd missed an appointment [what was I saying? My mom just called and I found her back in bed having gotten up without her brace and then cleaned up after herself. How do I tell my mom that given her current eyesight it isn't really a help and where do I get some better smelling clorox spray?] -oh yeah, well I never could figure out who we were supposed to see. Sometimes at night I still worry there is still some specialist we should have seen and was just waiting to fix Caleb). Where was I? ... primary caregivers. I get it -it makes you crazy. It's like sleeplessness -and they work well together too.

Everyone says don't forget about yourself but that is just what I want to do. It's not 'me time' I need it's 'not me time'. Not me in charge, [another shout-did Bernie give her the nosespray for her back (modern medicine) -I'll check later], not me on call, not me missing calls, not me thinking, not me at all. And when I am stressed I get extra sensitive (dare I say paranoid) -so not only do I do a poorer job of teaching my students but even the ones who aren't murmering about me I begin to think are and every unreturned phone call is because I'm disliked or annoying and... -and knowing I am overreacting may help me show it less and be a less uncomfortable person to be around but I find me annoying too! Definitely no more me time. Please.