Spring and all that

This picture is from yesterday. The snow has almost all melted and there are the crocuses. The most delicate tough flower I know. All kinds of meaning can be taken from this -I'm not taking any at the moment.
It has simply been a tough month. We went skiing again with Caleb and Jesse and Carolyn came to meet us with our niece who goes to school near her. The fireplace rock climber came for part of the weekend. There was a "race" for the adaptive skiers. I was amzed to see these legally blind 8 year olds flying down the slopes. Caleb was in a sit ski thingy (technical term) -as were 3 toher skiers. He was the slowest. It shouldn't matter and of cousre it doesn't exatly since everybody got a medal but it still pinched me somehow.
We took my mom too and that was good. And not really any extra work. So it's not that but somehow the whole thing just didn't dent my general stress. Or depression, or whatever it is. Jesse did great, each of his 2 days of lessons. All my guys had fun -well the niece wasn't crazy about skiing but she enjoyed the tubing. I skipped that too. I was so done with planning everyone's good time that I knew if I went I would just worry about Jesse being too cold, or Bernie too tired or the girls too bored -not that any of them were any of these things. I just want to crawl into my hole and pull it in after me.
The week before I was in Food Lion and there was this familar looking woman -we smiled and did the sort of nod thing- giving some young man pointers on washing the glass fronts to the freezer section. I turned the corner and there were 3 or 4 more adolescents with another woman giving guidance, all washing glass doors. One of the boys had a walker behind him -like Caleb had in preschool. He looked a little like Caleb (less facial hair) and was working hard at the scrubbing. I just stood there staring. Now I recalled the familar woman had been at the local school. The other woman asked if I needed to get in the cases being worked on but since I was no where near them I knew she meant stop staring. "But I'm in the club," I wanted to say. "Hey, I know the secret hand shake." But I don't. I never figured it out. And to round this shopping trip out the cashier asked if I'd give a dollar to Easter Seals and I said, "No," because we did not have good experience with a summer camp through them. I'm not saying they aren't a great organization but we actually paid alot and had to solicit donations for part of the cost and it left a bad taste. So the guy behind me pretty loudly said yes. He would give a dollar. I could not explain why I kept the dollar or why I stared at that walker and that boy. I could just drive home and cry.

I'm going to try and be better scheduled for a while and see if that helps -I'm going to try and exercise more, and pray more, and even blog more (often not length!) . And if that doesn't work I am going to go and beg for new and improved hormones and ignore the studies.